im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
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Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
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If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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