GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
try to milk me bitch
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
