Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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