How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
