I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
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