I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
her facebook's as public as her vagina
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
