The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
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today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
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I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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