he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
