I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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