I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
