I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
