and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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