Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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