Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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