why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
