ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
