What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
