The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
