Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
