be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
