She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
