I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
