I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
