"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
