so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
