the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
