If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
