she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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