I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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