I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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