Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
