Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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