We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Ladies don't puke and tell
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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