If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
