my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
