I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
