did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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