end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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