Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
