i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
