I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Small penises have feelings too.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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