I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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