haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
if only i could text you this smell
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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