they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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