false alarm. still invincible.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
