If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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