if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
