I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
