you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
