I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
