I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
