I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
