I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
