I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
