Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
