I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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