and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He kissed a someone with a penis
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
