This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
