He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
