I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
