About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
