I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
