You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
