my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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